Mubarak’s Unedited Interview with Christiane Amanpour Reimagined

A portion of last night’s exclusive ABC Interview with Egypt’s burdened dictator, Hosni Mubarak  

Mubarak: I’m like the Frodo of Dictators. I never wanted unilateral, unchecked power; my own personal army; unlimited wealth and influence. The burden, it is too much, just too much. I’m really fed ub.  

CA: So, why did you stay in power for 30 years? 

Mubarak: Eh, for the beoble, the beoble. Only I could carry this burden…and then, of course, my son Gamal. He likes ponies and camel chocolate.  

CA: So, you’re Frodo, the beleaguered protagonist, and I’m assuming Sauron, the antagonist, is…  

Mubarak: The Muslim Brotherhood and all enemies of freedom…  

CA: Of course, and Saruman, the treacherous wizard, is…  

Mubarak: The U.S….they betrayed me. I thought they were my bros. [Eyes well up]  

CA: And you’re Gandalf the Grey?

Mubarak: There are no Gays in Egypt..

CA: No, the Grey.

Mubarak: Hanh? The hearing gets bad at 82…what? No, my hair, thank Allah, is not grey. It is miracle.  

CA: And Aragorn?

Mubarak: He is man with muscles and wields sword and fights bravely, yes?  

CA: Yes –

Mubarak: Then I am him.

CA: But you can’t be him and Frodo, they are not only two different characters but two different species.  

Mubarak: [Defiantly!] I said I am him also!  

CA: Ok, ok. And will you apologize to me for your thugs attacking me and my crew?  

Mubarak: Is your name Anderson Coober 360? Do you have nice, well groomed, silver hair and biercing blue eyes?  

CA: No

Mubarak: Then blease shut your trap. And be grateful you’re getting this exclusive interview, habibti.  

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