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Dear Dust,
I was searching the internet for some non-affiliated religious advice and came across the article about this column.
I would very much like some advice. My two sisters and I were raised in the Presbyterian church, but our parents were hardly strict religious folks; long story short, we have all been allowed to pursue our own spiritual paths. My own has led to a life of being relatively agnostic, almost atheist; being an anthropologist, I have studied the religions and spiritual beliefs of people around the world since the beginning of human history for my entire adult life. I am particularly interested in the occult.
Here is my problem. One of my sisters, who was never religious before, got married about six years ago to a man who was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. She was quickly converted (or brainwashed, however you want to put it), and started espousing beliefs that I know she never held before. Within a few years she had become almost an entirely different person. This is her choice, and fortunately she has maintained regular contact with my family. They even live in the same town as my parents, who feel about the same way I do about her choice of religion.
I think that her spiritual path is her choice, she is an adult woman, she can make her own decisions. My problem is now they have two young children, ages 4 and 3, who are being raised as Witnesses.
My four-year-old niece has even started asking me why I don’t go to the “meetings” and if I think Jehovah will let me into Paradise!
I know they are too young to really understand, but they are already denied birthdays, holidays, anything involving magic, and most everything that makes childhood fun and special. When my niece and nephew get older, I would like to teach them about religion and spirituality from the anthropological perspective I have been educated in (ok, yes, I want to get them out of this cult forever), but I am afraid of my sister and brother-in-law finding out that I am “corrupting” their children. Any advice you can give me about this situation would be most helpful.
Tolerant But Heathen Sister
Dear Tolerant but Heathen,
There are some good signs in this situation. First, your sister has maintained contact with you and your parents instead of shrinking her circle down to only Witnesses. Second she is allowing her children to have a relationship with you. So my suggestion is simple: don’t blow it.
Adults get to choose their own religion. That your sister chose something new and not to your liking you is just something you are going to have to live with.
Parents also get to choose the religion of their kids, at least until they become independent enough to make their own choices. The best thing you can do is create warm loving relationships with all involved, especially the kids.
When they ask you questions about religion answer honestly. So if you aren’t afraid if Jehovah will let you in to paradise, say: “No, it doesn’t worry me.” If she asks why, answer in the simplest and most unloaded terms possible. Think of it like age-appropriate sex education- you answer in ways with just enough accurate information to satisfy their curiosity. Do not feed them answers as a backhanded way of undermining their family’s choices and beliefs. It almost certainly will backfire—spectacularly.
Childhood can be magical without birthdays or Christmas. Take them out for a milkshake once a year, just not on their birthday. Give them presents in mid-June, just not connected to holidays that they don’t celebrate. Showing respect for their parents wishes while finding ways to foster closeness with the kids and will go a long way, especially in preserving your relationship with your sister.
Keep in mind that the kids may never be interested in learning about religion from your anthropological point of view. And it is possible that they may chose to live their lives at Jehovah’s Witnesses. You don’t want to miss out on them because you can’t reconcile their theology with your own.
You, however, can always position yourself as the aunt they will turn to later in life if they chart a different course. Keep the door open and they may knock on it when they try their first cigarette, sing their first Christmas carol, kiss their first Catholic—or need a blood transfusion.
The Dust
