Bristol Palin, unwed mother and daughter of that paragon of family values, Sarah Palin, apparently lost her virginity to Levi Johnston in a tent, drunk on wine coolers. That’s what she confesses in her new book, Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.
The 20-year-old single mother wrote on the night she conceived, “I didn’t know that girl-flavored wine coolers were just as likely to get you drunk as the hard stuff” while she was on a camping trip with then boyfriend Levi Johnston.
Before the incident, she vowed to wait until marriage but with no memories of what happened, she got pregnant regardless of being on birth control pills to treat cramps.
I have scoured the web, searching for the scorching missives of condemnation from the religious right for her moral failure—to no avail. Even the Christian Post plays this story straight, so to speak: not soliciting reaction from family values spokes-types like it does with every gay story. Condemnation is not something Bristol has faced, even from her family, who she notes in her book chose instead to focus on her future and her education.
Instead of being pilloried for her lapse in moral judgment (and choice of “girly” alcohol), the younger Palin, like her mother, has been lionized and has become a crusader for teen abstinence.
Bristol’s indiscretion, and her proud, lascivious, tell-all book reminds me of Jim Burroway’s brilliant parody “The Heterosexual Agenda: Exposing the Myths.” Sure, heterosexuals say they’re for family values. They say marriage is most important. They crow about one man and one woman, creating forever homes in which they raise their morally incorruptible offspring. But Bristol’s new book belies the true agenda of the heterosexual, according to Burroway.
Heterosexuals say they are the true defenders of American values, but the truth is “heterosexual militants have embarked on a systematic assault on American values.” We see this in Bristol’s story as she systematically undermines the American values of sobriety, virginity, sex only within marriage, and not kissing (or anything else) and telling.
Another myth busted by Bristol is that heterosexuals don’t recruit; in fact “heterosexual activists plan on recruiting your children into their lifestyle.” How many children will read Bristol’s book and head to the convenience store to stock up on “girl-flavored wine coolers” before going hiking with their boyfriends? This is a blatant plan for recruitment into the loose, alcohol and Deep Woods Off-drenched world of heterosexual depravity.
Heterosexuals accuse gays and lesbians of undermining marriage, but, destroying that venerated institution is the true agenda of heterosexuals who constantly undermine marriage by having babies out of wedlock, then dissing their baby-daddy in a new book. Bristol is Exhibit A for the true heterosexual agenda to destroy traditional marriage.
Heterosexuals keep talking about how gays and lesbians practice “unsafe” behavior—but truly, it’s heterosexuals who “are undermining the health and safety of society.” Bristol may have been on the pill, so I guess they thought they were having “safe sex.” Perhaps she didn’t read the package that birth control pills do not prevent STDs. This encourages still other young girls to engage in this kind of activity—spreading disease and misery.
Finally, Bristol proves that “violence has become a hallmark of the heterosexual lifestyle.” When told about his impending fatherhood, Johnston responded with verbal violence: “Better be a [expletive] boy.” Bristol has returned that abuse in her book: “The gnat named Levi Johnston constantly spreading false accusations against our family,” she wrote, while calling him a self-involved slacker “who cheated on me about as frequently as he sharpened his hockey skates.”
Clearly we see it is heterosexuals who despise traditional Judeo-Christian values, want to destroy marriage, recruit young minds into their lives of depravity, and encourage unhealthy practices that will spread disease and advocate for abusive relationships. It’s not gays and lesbians who are out to destroy Western civilization, marriage, or even religion. Bristol Palin reveals that this has been the heterosexual agenda all along.