Dear Lindsay Lohan, I’m Sorry

A few weeks ago, you shared this image on Instagram:


The Arabic should’ve said “Anti jamīlah,” but actually read, “Anti himār”—you’re a donkey. Enthusiastically, you’d shared it with a brief, “Habibi” (beloved). This became wildly popular, for unintended reasons.

It was widely derided as a “social media fail,” or what we used to know (before the internet disrupted our lives and sense of social decorum) as “an innocent mistake.” Yours was. Mine wasn’t.

I shared the image on Twitter, joining a chorus of delighted, sarcastic, none-too-friendly Muslims, Arabs, and associated fifth columnists, who thought this the funniest thing in the world. Actually we were, or at least I was, venting my frustration at the kinds of “expertise” people use to justify heinous and unfriendly comments towards Arabs and Muslims, which usually end with them bombing someone like me.

But, of course, you didn’t do that, and I apologize for being part of such a mean gesture. In fact I had a phone conversation with a prominent American imam last nightin Islam, we say subhanallah at such coincidencesand he mentioned in passing how offended many white American Muslims were by this very kind of gesture. On reflection, I can see why. I don’t find racial insensitivity humorous directed at me.

The least I can do is not support it. And the least I can do is the least I can do.

There are not many white Muslim converts in America, proportionally speaking, and I’m sure sometimes they feel overrun by the preponderance of brown. (Get used to it, world. Rabbits breed like us.) And sometimes humor does go too far. But the real reason I’m writing, Lindsay, isn’t because of thatalthough I am sorryor even Mean Girls, one of the best movies ever.

Or even that I had the biggest crush on you because of that movie.

(A 24-year-old Pakistani nerd is like a 13-year-old lovelorn white child. It’s not racism, it’s anthropology.)

I’m apologizing because I saw this morning, and now returning back to the coincidence, a story on Fox News: “Lindsay Lohan converts to Islam?” The best way I can describe Fox News is that it is the white Christian version of the propagandistic hate, from language to techniqueI see coming from the worst corners of the Muslim world. They’re the Mean Girls of our global high school. They deserve one another.

But they’re not the adults in the room. So what if you carried a Qur’an? (Actually, I’m happy, but that’s just the small proselyte I have inside of methink of him as a genie inside a lamp. Plus, that’s not racist, or anthropological. It’s xenobiological.) In hard times of my life, the Qur’an has always been there for me, a source of support and comfort, and Lord knows we all need our inspiration and sustenance.

Your journey is your own. It’s a terrible thing to have to have one’s life scrutinized, pored over, mocked, insulted, and constantly found wanting, when all you did in the first place was make some movies that people liked, and some brown people, say several hundred million, wished you’d convert to Islam, not knowing that they still wouldn’t have a chance. (Who is this Habibi, by the way?)

But it’s even worse that I took any part in it. So, for what it’s worth, on the extremely unlikely chance you’ll read this, I’m sorry. May you and all those who are sincerely seeking find happiness, contentment and success in this world, and may they be able to live out serenity and peace in the next, whether that be in the sequel a certain movie deserved, or the chance to live in Middle Earth.


  •' Jim Reed says:

    I think there is some insight in what Lindsay Lohan is doing here. Kabbalah, Buddhist, Islam. She is an intelligent person, and is seeking something spiritual. A Catholic background, but in America Christianity is under the curse of being the majority religion. It could have no value for her. She is smart enough to look in other directions.

  •' Frank says:

    I have not seen much intelligence from Lindsay Lohan.

  •' killertofu88 says:

    You’re only sorry because it appeared on Fox News that “she might be converting to Islam”. You’re not sorry for your action, and it’s people like you who push, probably mostly white, converts away. Since I’m one I wouldn’t enjoy being mocked if I slipped up. Really you’re just like people who mock islam. You should of known better to begin with, you’re a Muslim so act like it.

  • It feels good to know I can continue to say out loud and proudly “Missed this!” I haven’t owned a television for probably close to two decades. Partly because cable is a rip-off and partly because the Comedy Channel and the Food Network and it’s comical yet educational shows like the Two Fat Ladies (I think that was the name) that were more educational than most offered on History Channel or the Discovery Channel (or were they the same? I can’t remember) were the few channels i’d watch, that were also not exploitive of living beings than the Animal Planet that I eventually found repulsive for its promotions of IAMS that is known for doing cruel research on dogs and other animals. What is offered in the front page of trashy magazines (meaning ALL of them) at the corner store and large chain pharmacy check out counters and lines, is usually enough for me to keep-up with what “mainstream” America believes is important, useful or entertainment, as I role my eyes in disgust. However, I must of missed this latest waste of life the story took that this article speaks of. To top it off, FOX being mentioned is just the cherry on the top!

  • Your a Muslim, so act like it? Are all Muslims supposed to act a certain way? Are all white people? Christians? Gays? Etc. What kind of moronic statement is that?

  • I bet if you were being filmed your whole life most people would be saying the same about you as they would be saying the same about themselves

  •' Jim Reed says:

    In the last couple years you can watch some TV on the internet.

  •' phatkhat says:

    She’s young, and she makes mistakes. I wouldn’t want to live in the fishbowl that is her life. Most of us escaped the kind of scrutiny she suffers for a lot of stupid stuff when we were young.

  •' Frank says:

    I agree. My comment to Jim and your comment are not in conflict with one another nor even relevant to Jims comment.

  •' phatkhat says:

    Okay. She’s done stupid stuff. That does not mean she is unintelligent. How’s that? I have a very high IQ, but it certainly didn’t keep me from doing a LOT of stupid things when I was in my twenties.

  •' Frank says:

    My comment was directed more at Jim than Lohan. Calm down.

  •' Jim Reed says:

    You mean my comment about Lindsay needs to look elsewhere because Christianity is under the curse of being the majority religion?

  •' Frank says:

    No your comment about Lohan looking for truth in places where there is none.

  •' RhondaEM says:

    ♡♡♡♡$77 /hr 0n the computer@me29//


  •' andrew123456789 says:

    Oh, Frank, you just pooped on your own shoe.

  •' andrew123456789 says:

    Muslims don’t apologize or forgive?

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