It’s that time of year again. No, not the time for peace, joy, and love. It’s the time when we reflect on this year’s horrors and come to terms with the fact that an asteroid can’t find us fast enough. Like any good Christian (it’s true cause it’s in my Twitter bio), I’m following the Apostle Paul or Saint John to inform you that after the year we’ve had, the end is nigh.
This past year of our lord, Dionne Warwick, all Seven Seals of the Apocalypse have been broken. If you’re still here reading this, you probably missed the Rapture. Commiserations. To prepare you for next time, let’s go over all the signs of the Apocalypse you missed this year.
1. Pestilence/Conquest: Elon Musk is a pest
In case you haven’t heard of Elon Musk, he’s a billionaire son of an emerald mining magnate. His apparent “genius” includes creating military grade explosive devices, er, I mean electric cars that entrap their drivers in mobile crematoriums, and feeling so threatened by women and BIPOC that his companies are often in court over harassment, discrimination, or breaking contracts.
This walking embodiment of all 10 biblical plagues in one, Elon just won’t go away and count his billions. He was forced to buy a social media site in an effort to lionize free speech so hard that he’s suspended hundreds, if not thousands, of accounts of journalists, activists, and everyday folk he doesn’t like or who speak out about fascism and White supremacy. After warning about doxxing and suspending accounts linking to his jet, Elon peskily doxxed himself at the World Cup in Qatar. Looks like a certain pest needs a suspension! Musk broke the first seal.
2. War: Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
We’ve all heard of the culture war and everyone who breathes getting “canceled by the ‘woke’ mob.” Smith vs Rock came to a head at the Oscars after years of sideswipes, “jokes,” and side-eyes. Smith decided not to turn the other cheek no mo’. When Paper and Scissors folded, it was left up to Slap to step in and finish this war.
Everything that needed to be said (or didn’t) about this war probably has been addressed, with only one minor point being left without attention. At no point did Will stop to think WWJD. What would Jazzy-Jeff do?
This slap heard around the globe opened the second seal. It’s a shame that this led to a battle fought on a global stage that ended both of their careers. More casualties of the cultural wars, folks.
3. Famine: Political Famine vs. Lettuce
Famines are nothing new from a historical perspective, but some places in the world continue to experience political famines in terms of being able to elect, or to keep, a decent national leader. We have every reason to believe the list of candidates will soon begin to bleed into the D-List world; then, it’ll only be a matter of time before Pete Davidson is dating the next or current Prime Minister (whoever it may be next week).
The British political famine was so severe this year that all its hopes rested on the head of lettuce whose inspiring life and personality both outlasted and outshone the previous PM Liz Truss. Britain has shown itself to have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard and has continued scraping so deeply that Satan himself is probably next in line. A salad was made and the third seal was broken.
4. Death: Abolish the Monarchy
Nothing quite suggests that the world is ending like peace on Earth, and there was one day this year that cease-fires were called, and truces were made. It was a dark day for monarchists the world over when Elizabeth II died. Still, the passing of Elizabeth Sax-Coberg-Mountbatten-Lizard-Windsor-Mastadon did the unimaginable by bringing the former colonial world together in a chorus of boisterous joy. As a living symbol of unearned and grotesque wealth and privilege, her death represented one less visible link to colonialism.
From the West Indies to Ireland, from Ghana to India, the global North and South reminded people living in rich bubbles that their privilege came at the expense of those around the world whom colonizers viciously and violently trampled. It’s a shame that the world is ending so we won’t be around to see the records of the glorious union between Black Twitter and Irish Twitter which gave Elizabeth the send-off she’d never have expected.
Elizabeth’s death was a symbol of something bigger than some realize. Royalists pleading for civility upon her death were quickly admonished, for much of the public reminded them that now was actually the perfect time to remind the world of the unspoken horrors of the British royal family.
Civility was never a cause for concern when oppressors were ravaging colonized peoples, languages and cultures. From the alleged predatory behavior of her son Andrew to the blatant racism, corruption, leeching, and history of violence she endorsed or to which she turned a blind eye—it was and remains a good time to speak of these things. It may be a slow death, but Elizabeth’s exit should begin the process of ending the monarchy and all that it stands for. Here the fourth seal was broken.
5. Tears from Heaven: Elves, Hobbits, and Mermaids, oh my!
Middle Earth shook and sprung forth Black Elves and Black Hobbits. From the waters henceforth came a beautiful Black mermaid. And thus, the White boys cried aloud with their salty White tears: “Why doest you woketh ones ruin our imaginary worlds?” Thus, the fifth seal was brokeneth.
6. Sun, Moon, and Stars: Jeremy Clarkson is a racist
This year we saw The Sun, a British tabloid that most likely panders to half-sentient marshmallows, publish a racist-sexist diatribe by Jeremy Clarkson whose moon-sized ego is only rivaled by that of Trump’s. Clarkson’s lackluster curriculum vitae includes: joking about “murdering prostitutes,” using the n-word publicly, using ableist, misogynist, Islamophobic, xenophobic comments & slurs and most recently writing a wildly violent fantasy about the star-power of a half-Black woman, Meghan Markle, who married into the royal family.
This diatribe outlined Clarkson’s creepy obsession with a woman he’s probably never met, not just re-imagining a Game of Thrones reference with her being paraded in the streets naked with excrement being thrown at her, but hating her on a “cellular level” with more venom than a notorious English serial killer.
Given that Clarkson is about as sophisticated as a single-cell organism, this makes sense. His use of every bit of that single cell to hate Markle so vehemently also explains why everything else that he spews is about as appealing as “journalist” Piers Morgan’s burst hemorrhoid. I contemplated suggesting that Clarkson endure the same experience that he described for Markle, but then I realized that I wanted this readership to be able to finish this piece without projectile vomiting. Anyhow, the end is nigh, the sixth seal is broken.
7. Silence: And the crowd fell silent
Recently, Pestilent Elon’s SpaceX astronaut team that will be blasting to the moon was announced. The reaction around the world regarding the list of influencers-turned-astronauts was almost unanimous in its collective “who?” If this goes anything like Musk’s incinerating Teslas, this would-be Star Wars ensemble of soon-to-be Star-Weres might be receiving a planned minute of silence when the SpaceX mission has an “anomaly” shortly after launch. By the time this anomaly occurs, Musk’s Tesla stock should be worth just enough to buy flowers for all the “influenaut” family members. The seventh seal has been quietly broken.
Anyway, if you missed these signs, it may not be too late. From the moment you wake up, before you put on your makeup, Dionne Warwick will say a little prayer for you. Now you know what the seven seals are; keep an eye out for them next year when the world ends again. See you next year?
