[Genesis 3]: Adam, Snake conclude intensive closed-door negotiations over disputed status of apple. Snake demands that the apple not be used to interfere with market ability to set wages of sin. Adam concludes that not enough votes are present to pass Guilt Free Fruit Consumption Act with proviso exempting apple tree. Adam and Snake hold joint press conference deriding the radical left tactics of Eve. [Genesis 4]: Cain murders Abel, blames “rancorous atmosphere,” “class-based politics” of Abel. [Genesis 7-9]: Despite overwhelming support for forgiveness, Noah cannot find sixty votes to override veto of anti-flooding bill. World drowns, except for Noah and family, who have joined The Ark lobbying firm. Dick Armey later accuses dove of running ads comparing God to Hitler. [Genesis 18-19]: Abraham’s arguments against destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah are overruled by religious moderates who want to reach out to disaffected social conservatives. Lot’s wife declares her support for repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, turns to salt. [Genesis 21]: Hagar and Ishmael told, “you don’t have to go to Guantanamo, but you can’t stay here.” They are held indefinitely until the government can convince [http://www.miamiherald.com/news/americas/guantanamo/story/1172939.html Palau to “temporarily resettle” them]. [Exodus 7]: Moses, Pharoah agree in a spirit of comity that Israelite exodus will be postponed until visa, employment issues can be resolved. Slaves receive tax rebates and low-interest loans for purchase of straw, mud. Egyptian stock market climbs on news of record profits for kiln makers spurred by increases in worker productivity. [ I Samuel 17]: The Valley of Elah is abuzz with rumors that Goliath will skirt a difficult confrontation with David by switching to the Israelites, thereby avoiding a primary challenge in the Philistine party. Goliath continues to occasionally refer to himself as a “Philistine,” refuses to vote for Israelite priorities, but does start a Twitter war with Chuck Grassley. [Psalm 23]: Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck decry “I shall not want” as socialism. Language changed to “I will enjoy freedom from a pre-approved credit limit.” [Ecclesiastes 1:9]: Lawmakers of both parties sport lapel pins declaring, “THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN – AND THAT’S A GOOD THING.” Washington fashion mavens concur. [Song of Solomon]: removed as NEA funding slashed for 4,359th time. [Amos 5:24]: David Broder insists in column that moderates can overcome “divisive” rhetoric. Harry Reid, Orrin Hatch endorse amendment to Prophetic Licensure Act of 2009 requiring dressers of sycamore trees to stay 500 feet from temple prophets at all times. [Ezekiel 37:1-14]: Fox News plays “Dem Bones” over every video of Pres. Obama, drowning out his words. Sunday morning talk show guests agree that it’s no worse than liberals protesting invasion of Iraq, and [http://rawstory.com/blog/2009/08/financial-times-columnist-obama-like-felix-the-cat-black-and-lucky/ besides]. Also, somebody somewhere once said something mean about Trig Palin. Too. [Matthew 2:13-15]: Republicans threaten to filibuster amnesty laws for illegal aliens. Lou Dobbs says on his show, “Oh sure, they claim to be saviors. But are you going to trust an Egyptian donkey license? We could be importing terrorists across a porous border!” Democrats refer bills back to committee. [Luke 2:1-8]: Persistent questions about the birthplace of Jesus distract from his soteriological agenda. Hearings produce a number of shepherds willing to testify that Jesus was born in a Bethlehem-area stable, but doubters refuse to concede, pointing to a document showing a Nazareth birth three years before the founding of that city. [Luke 6:20]: Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor, for yours is the Kingdom of God.” GOP leaders immediately label this socialism. [ John 2:1-12]: Jesus apologizes for drinking wine at Cana of Galilee. “I made a poor decision and I regret any offense I may have given to the grandmothers of America. I hope they will not think the less of me.” The Politico reports that California vinters are furious behind-the-scenes and threatening to withhold contributions to Jesus’ Purse, a 501(c)(3) the Savior has established. [ John 3]: Jesus and Nicodemus meet for free, frank, and open discussion on a number of agenda items. John Bolton criticizes Jesus for rewarding Nicodemus for bad behavior. [ John 18:28-19:16]: Congressional leaders talk down investigations into the wrongful death of Jesus of Nazareth, not wanting to “criminalize politics” or “live in the past.” [Romans]: Paul calls on Jews, Gentiles to find common ground on reducing the need for circumcision. [Galatians 2:11-14]: Paul, Peter work out their differences on the golf course. [James 2:14-26]: Works is declared “not the critical piece” of faith. [Revelation 21]: New heaven and new earth discovered in Scandinavia. “We’re not Sweden,” says Tim Geithner. Washington insiders spend weeks parsing his comments over cocktails, wishing that Alan Greenspan would come back.
