How To Control Your Ungodly Urges… On a Budget!

As almost everyone knows, in relation to the ongoing birth control battle, Sandra Fluke gave congressional testimony about Georgetown law students’ needs for insurance coverage for oral contraceptives, and some on the right wing responded by …

Wait. Guys, you might want to be sitting down, because I’m about to describe a kind of rhetorical genius so intense the words might singe your retinas with their brilliance.

(pauses while the readership of RD collectively finds their protective eyewear)

Some on the right wing (leading lights like Rush Limbaugh, for example) responded with the unprecedented, totally creative, really-takes-an-intelligent-person-to-come-up-with-it tactic of calling Fluke, and her friendssluts who can’t control themselves. (Patricia Heaton, the star from Everybody Loves Raymond who once won an award from Feminists [!!] for Life, tweeted a whole series of insulting tips for “G-Town Gal,” which were SO FUNNY!) Ha ha! Oh, stop, my sides hurt!

Obviously I’m being sarcastic. Name-calling, slut-shaming, and bullying a woman is a nasty (not to mention obvious and overdone) thing to do.

On the other hand, if you are inclined to shame and harass women, thanks to what I can only imagine are your uncontrollable and debased urges, what exactly is your recourse? How can you become a healthier, happier, more well-adjusted person? Some serious and high-quality counseling that will help you respect others and feel empathy, maybe?? An employer-sponsored sexual harassment training (or ten)? A weekend retreat teaching you to name male privilege and learn to look critically at sexism?

Well I don’t know. I’m not an expert on such matters. But evidently that shouldn’t stop me from reactively pronouncing that I’M SURE NOT GONNA PAY ONE CENT FOR IT, even indirectly. With that in mind, I hereby present some budget-friendly tips for misogynists trying to control their urges:


1. Sell plasma! Patricia Heaton says this is a good way to make some spare cash, and she was on a hit TV series. So.

2. Distract yourself! Think of some mysteries to ponder… like the fact that you or someone you know might have Debra Barone’s plasma coursing through their veins.

3. This might be controversial, but if you face truly irresistible urges to spout some hateful epithet, you could always… (blush)… tweet it at yourself.

4. Get married! This will make you TOO TIRED for harassing people, LOL amirite married folks?

5. When your feverish and overblown imagination gets worked up over what you baselessly imagine are a woman’s sexual choices, just put an aspirin between your lips! Your epithet, “You’re a nasty skank!” will come out as “You’re a nifty skink!” And who doesn’t love skinks?

6. Willpower! Is magical!

7. Find an accountability partner! Every time you are tempted to sexually harass a stranger, call your partner and make a confession.

8. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you think about harassing a woman! Rubber bands are cheap – mere cents. Why, you could snap yourself with a rubber band more-or-less constantly for the next year, for a fraction of what any of those fancypants remedies cost.

9. Tell yourself what, deep down, you most need to hear: “I deserve better than to be a meanspirited bullying harasser!”

10. Avoid tempting situations. If you’re listening to Rush Limbaugh? Stop.