In high school, I was a theater nerd. In college, I tried unsuccessfully to be a theater nerd, hindered by the fact that at my college the theater people were actually very cool and savvy and worldly, and I… was not. I ended up switching to religious studies, but hung around theater long enough to clue in to the fact that one thing theater people do is to stage really counterintuitive settings of Shakespeare plays.
You know, Titus Andronicus, except most of the characters are Martians who’ve found themselves unexpectedly on “The Love Boat,” and Tamora, Queen of the Goths is played by a foam-backed, life-sized photo cutout of Gavin Macleod. Or MacBeth, but reimagined in the style of the 1950s detective radio drama “Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar” – except that that would be far too unoriginal on its own, so the hook is that the actors play pieces of furniture and vice versa.
Why do I mention this? Because I want to lay copyright claim to what I’m positive is a viable project sure to be eligible for arts funding. Ready?
King Lear, starring Florida congressman Cliff Stearns as the title character, Planned Parenthood as Cordelia, and “documented lack of corruption in how federal funding is handled” as “love.” With all of the dialogue changed to lolcat.
Here’s how it would go down:
King Stearns: I haz a big pile of fedril munny. Iz fun! I chases it! Iz funn! If I can haz proof that ur never too bad fur teh munny, den u can haz part of fedril munny. Want proof. Who iz FURST?!11 Um, Crisis Pregnancy Centers, yougo!
Crisis Pregnancy Centers: We iz rilly religious group. We can haz part of pile of munny? Is forda behbehs. We be good kittehs, no prosseltize wif teh fedril munny, cross heart.
King Stearns: LOL um ok!
Crisis Pregnancy Centers: kthx!
King Stearns: Who twoth? Ummm, you iz next! Hed Start Sky Kitteh peepul. Hai.
Faith-Based Groups Who Wish To Be Part of Head Start: O hai! We iz religious group. We iz liking to do Head Start, but some parts of program do not want! Iz not okay wif our Sky Kitteh.
King Stearns: Iz no prob. You doed good work! Iz sounds okay. Have some munny. Hmm, who iz threeth? Oh, iz you. Planned Parenthood! You iz next.
Planned Parenthood: We gets munny furda wimminses to be helfy. U no likes abortion. Iz okay. We no use fedril munny furda abortion. An’ we gets audited evry year, so you know iz okay. Dem audits shows we can haz teh munny.
King Stearns: DO NOT WANT. The audits no good enuf for King Stearns Cat. MOAR PROOF! Is you ever hadda naughty kitteh in ur kitteh houzz?
Planned Parenthood: Srsly? Yah, course. We haz RILLY BIG KITTEH HOUSE. 27,000 kittehs work dere. We say to naughty kittehs “Shoo!” What, congress no have naughty kitteh anytime evar?
King Stearns: Not good enuf. Need moar proofs! No can haz munny! No no no! Uneeda hava ‘vestigation insted.
Planned Parenthood: But teh wimminses. Dey iz might get sicker….
King Stearns: Iz okay, dey can go to crisis pregnancy center. Hook dem rite up, or smthg. Dunno. Kbai. Planned parenthood: *sigh*