A portion of last night’s exclusive ABC Interview with Egypt’s burdened dictator, Hosni Mubarak
Mubarak: I’m like the Frodo of Dictators. I never wanted unilateral, unchecked power; my own personal army; unlimited wealth and influence. The burden, it is too much, just too much. I’m really fed ub.
CA: So, why did you stay in power for 30 years?
Mubarak: Eh, for the beoble, the beoble. Only I could carry this burden…and then, of course, my son Gamal. He likes ponies and camel chocolate.
CA: So, you’re Frodo, the beleaguered protagonist, and I’m assuming Sauron, the antagonist, is…
Mubarak: The Muslim Brotherhood and all enemies of freedom…
CA: Of course, and Saruman, the treacherous wizard, is…
Mubarak: The U.S….they betrayed me. I thought they were my bros. [Eyes well up]
CA: And you’re Gandalf the Grey?
Mubarak: There are no Gays in Egypt..
CA: No, the Grey.
Mubarak: Hanh? The hearing gets bad at 82…what? No, my hair, thank Allah, is not grey. It is miracle.
CA: And Aragorn?
Mubarak: He is man with muscles and wields sword and fights bravely, yes?
CA: Yes –
Mubarak: Then I am him.
CA: But you can’t be him and Frodo, they are not only two different characters but two different species.
Mubarak: [Defiantly!] I said I am him also!
CA: Ok, ok. And will you apologize to me for your thugs attacking me and my crew?
Mubarak: Is your name Anderson Coober 360? Do you have nice, well groomed, silver hair and biercing blue eyes?
Mubarak: Then blease shut your trap. And be grateful you’re getting this exclusive interview, habibti.