It’s the uncoupling of the decade—bigger than Brangelina and messier than Kanye breaking up with everyone. Yes, you got that right, dear citizens of the disunited states: Elon Musk, the sentient vape pen in charge of Twitter (sorry, “X”) and Donald J Trump, the ghost of a casino disguised as a man in a red tie, are beefing. Perhaps we are witnessing the end of the golden age of mutual grifting.
The fallout started with a bill—some god-awful Frankenstein of tax loopholes and crypto incentives that Trump rubber-stamped between golf swings and subpoenas. Elon, who believes laws are for broke people and employees with health insurance, has been tweeting through it.
Yes, folks, the man who once tried to sell flamethrowers to suburban dads has accused the current president of being in the unredacted Epstein files. And while that might sound like justice… let’s not forget: this is the same Elon who knew all this, and still let his toddler he uses as a human shield, toddle around Trump like a Roomba in a minefield. Musk helped Trump win the election. Musk gave the current president algorithmic backrubs and free meme ammo. Musk smiled through it all like it was a product launch and not a democratic collapse.
And in all this, the American public is exhausted. Regular folks are choosing between rent and insulin while two billionaires slap-fight over who’s more ethically compromised. Don’t get me wrong, this fight is hilarious, but keep in mind that while Musk builds spaceships to try and flee Earth and Trump builds golf courses where crimes go to relax, neither pays (enough?) taxes. Neither trusts the other. The rest of us should trust neither.
They’re not breaking up because of morals—let’s be for real. This is what happens when a conman and a techlord stop seeing profit in each other. It’s Shark Tank meets Succession—but everyone’s naked, screaming, and too rich for NDAs.
In the end, we’re watching two spoiled oligarchs burn bridges with the same flamethrowers they use on democracy. There are no heroes here—only yachts, insults, and a very confused child named after a CAPTCHA test. The Right is too busy foaming at the mouth to figure out which billionaire daddy to cheer for, like toddlers at a demolition derby.
But wait—now that Elon’s going half scorched-earth on Trump, you know who’s sniffing around again?
Centrists and their cosplay-socialist cousins.
Yes, the same tote-bag moderates who ghosted Elon when he started tweeting like a villain from Blade Runner are now back in his DMs like, “Hey king, would love to chat about bipartisan AI policy over cold brew?”
They’re already trying to repackage him, which is centrist code for “deeply unstable billionaire we hope will tweet something vaguely critical of Trump so we can avoid organizing anything real.” Just watch. Every khaki-pants liberal with a podcast will be chirping, “say what you will, but Elon’s making some important points,” or have takes like “It’s complicated, but Elon speaking truth to Trump is actually good for democracy.” These are the same folks who thought civility would defeat fascism and that the January 6th riot could be solved by better LinkedIn connections.
And don’t worry—AOC and Bernie will be circling the drama like influencers at a protest, waiting to quote-tweet the carnage once the vibes are good and the wind is blowing towards a “socialism”-safe direction for CNN. AOC’s probably practicing her “disappointed but hopeful” face in the mirror while her staff drafts an email blast titled “Billionaires are beefing—and you can chip in $3 to fight back.” Bernie will lumber onto MSNBC to say something like “It is unacceptable that billionaires control the discourse,” before returning to his third decade of doing absolutely nothing about it. Centrists will be out here like, “Well, Elon may have called a diver a pedo and nuked Twitter with a meme launcher, but at least he’s not Trump—again.”
They have no spines. If Elon built an Iron Man suit made of apartheid emeralds and flew into Congress farting AI-generated slurs, they’d still invite him to The Atlantic Festival. Remember all this and watch how people respond to the beefing billionaires. These people treat politics like a group project where the richest kid buys the PowerPoint template and everyone else prays they don’t get nuked. While Trump and Musk feud on social media like bored villains in a reality show, people are still hungry, genocide still rages, country bans are being reinforced, and billionaires keep stacking wealth like it’s Monopoly. This isn’t justice, it’s theater.
Let them tear each other apart like King Kong and Godzilla in a collapsing city—just don’t forget who built the skyscrapers they’re knocking down, who’s still starving in the rubble, and who profits when the smoke clears. Don’t mistake fireworks for revolution.
